Epic FAiL

Okay, so maybe it's not a huge fail but it's still failure none the less. About a month ago I got a call back from a interview I had back in September. The job sounded wicked awesome, nothing that had to do with my degree though, however, I figured, "Hey, it's income & great experience."

I waited three months and I get the call to come in. I was tested for two weeks and it was probably the worst decision I made. The only good thing that came from it was that I did get some cash out of it. Any confidence I had was shaken & torn apart. I started to question my own qualifications & even started to double guess myself during the most simple tasks such as faxing or printing things. The job was not for me. The only time I actually felt confident was when she actually had me edit a newsletter, other than that, I felt beaten down & stripped of all my skills. Basically, as if I was not smart enough to do a job that was (in some ways) beneath what I received my degree in. Also, being questioned how I graduated college with a shitty amount of knowledge of math, didn't help.

It didn't work out. She asked me what was up and we both agreed that I was not the one for the job. I didn't feel like it was the right choice for me if I was constantly second guessing myself. She needed someone who can stay on top of things & it wasn't my area. I'm a writer but I am also an editor - not college student needing money. In short, it wasn't worth it.

It was a punch to the confidence but I am trying to shake it off. I don't have time to bullshit and derp around, I NEED income so I am now searching for whatever I can find again. 

Sigh, this is so frustrating.

Smart phone addiction

So late last week my smart phone (Motorola Android 3) finally died. I had to resort to my old "smart" phone, which may as well be a basic phone. After so many hours grieving over my electronic loss, it dawned on me: I have depended on my smart phone for everything. I've become lazy with using my laptop, looking at my bank statements, even tracking my monthly curse. How many zombies have lessen their intelligence for the sake of an easy lifestyle? Even thinking is mind numbing!


courtesy of memegenerator.net

The pro about having my old phone now is I can just use it for texting. Any information I can actually use my computer for... which I have been neglecting... along with this blog... A THOUSAND PARDONS! Going off my smart phone feels like I am going through an addiction withdraw. I will be getting a new smart phone soon... hopefully. This actually gave me the push to get warranty on my laptop. So, this morning I spent about $180.00 for protection. It better be worth it as well. It covers my dear computer for a year.

Go home, Hurricane Sandy, you're drunk!

courtesy of blaugoo.com

Hurricane Sandy to hit NJ

First Irene and now Sandy is here. When Spongebob begged Sandy for water, I don't think this is what he meant! Connecticut, New York, and New Jersey are in a State of Emergency and people are flipping out. Some people were not taking Irene too seriously but this time, people are listening to the news. I was scared for Irene so I was trying not to listen to the news about the storm this year, however, I went to my parents house and all they have on are the news. The real flooding is going to hit us tonight around 8/9pm. I'm praying my parent's house will be okay. We never get flooding since we are on a hill *knock on wood* but loss of power is a possibility this time. Plus, we are in front of a park so the trees also cause a problem. 

We received a letter in the mail this morning about evacuations. It all sounded good until I read the pet part. It states, "If you have to evacuate, please take your pets with you. Please keep in mind that all of the public shelters require your pet to have a proper carrier or cage for use inside the facility. Shelters will not be able to accept any pets without the proper apparatus," - Lyndhurst Police Department. So, if, God forbid, we have to evacuate, my dogs are screwed. My dogs are way too large and are bigger than me (I am only 4'11). The most we have are muzzles and leashes. I will not be leaving my dogs behind! 

courtesy of abclocal.go.com

This is the Long Beach Island. D took me there this summer for a day.

courtesy of abclocal.go.com

Not sure where this is but it's in the East Coast.

Dad went to get some food from ShopRite but he did mention it was basically empty. Thankfully he got the stuff we did need. Thank you ShopRite workers in Lyndhurst for being troopers! Hopefully they get to go home soon so they can prepare... or at least get paid over time... something to be compensated for helping others out! I'm def going to leave my phone charging along with my mom's laptop. Hopefully things will be okay.

Stay safe everyone!

I shouldn't have gotten out of bed

I can't catch a break. Thanks NJCU! You guys really know how to help a college grad out. 

So, I caved & applied for unemployment. I battled long & hard about this. I didn't want to give in but I have no choice. I applied in hopes I can receive at least a quarter of what I need for at least rent. It is not. Then again, maybe NJCU can pull through & help me out. Those chances are slim. They never help. H.R. department shooed me away, Payroll department kept cutting me off. Seriously, NO HELP. It seems as though I may be receiving a little less than $100.00 which isn't anything at all & will barely cover rent, let alone utilities... not to mention my loans! I should have just stayed in bed.

courtesy to weheartit.com

I think I will be moving back home with the parents.

:( 

sad day.

The search continues

Endless application after the next, rejection seems endless! Even wanted ads for gogo dancers need experience. Soon pimps aren't going to hire just any prostitutes. They are going to require references, resumes, and a free demonstration. Times are hard, even pimps need to make a living. One of my friends suggested me to apply to this newspaper - I declined. Not just because it's in north jersey but b/c it is far... okay, maybe it has to do with the fact my arch nemesis is the editor to it as well. So, sue me. Hey, I rather carry my dignity than to ever go crawling to her for help. She helped herself enough when she decided to be sneaky and move on to my left overs which were still warm.


courtesy to hoboken411.com

Meow.

For the sake of not having this sound like teenage problems, I'll move on.

My father had even jumped in the pool of trying to find me a job. Which is great b/c I only have a couple of months (month and a half) before I run out of money & move back home with the parents. Every college grad's worst fear. I refuse to give in - that is until I really run out of money. Donations, anyone? Anyone? I'll make it worth your while! :D I'm lying. I've been applying to places in New Brunswick along with New York, and Newark. If anyone can hack into my e-mail, they would only see a bunch of outgoing applications dating 4 months back. I have an exciting life. Of course along with those e-mails, a lot of notices form my credit card that I need to pay asap before they take my dog as collateral.

Seriously, people. If the economy is so bad, STOP POSTING WANTED ADS! Giving us hope & then snatching it away is not cool. Plus, it puts a downer in our self esteem & worth!


courtesy to gabrielweinberg.com

Greetings from "real world"

So summer has come & gone & so has my blog. I have totally been A.W.O.L. all summer and that is such a no-no. Now can you see why it's frustrating for me to have a blog in the first place? Seriously, I need to watch MTV's Awkward to be inspired to blog more often. Pretty sad/pathetic, I know. Anyway, let's see what I can catch up on...

Life after NJCU & the Gothic Times has not been so sweet. I can't count how many job applications and positions I have applied for -not all Journalism positions, btw. I have been applying for journalism jobs and receptionist positions. Could you imagine I can't even land a receptionist job? All the applying and rejections constantly make me feel like bashing my head threw a wall over & over again. I always knew finding a job after school was going to be a challenge, I just wasn't prepared for this much trouble. Interview after interview & the only thing I have learned was to lie, make your weaknesses your awesomeness, and that I hate phone interviews. I really hate phone interviews. They are such an attack & not to mention absolutely ruthless and cutthroat. After countless rejections I still have to keep my hopes up and march forward in hopes someone will take pity of a college grad living on her own (well, with her brother) with very little money left in her savings and finally offer me a job that pays at least $11/hr.

Here's hoping!

The department of 'D' isn't bad. In fact, everything has been great. No complaints. It is safe to say I am seeing his flaws now more than before. So far, it's worth it. In this relationship I feel like a 13 year old. I'm not sure what to expect or how to act. I feel as though at this point of my life I should be working & living with someone, however neither of those things are happening. I think it would make more sense if I knew D for more time than a few months.... about 6/7 months to be exact... I think. I was never one to be good at math. I don't see moving in with him in my future yet. It would be nice & I think we could make it but I need a job and a secure promise from him...

I didn't do much this summer due to lack of fond but I did have summer fun. I met a few new people & rekindled old friendships. I also met some people I just cannot wait to leave behind and never speak to again. I also met people that I would have loved to have dated as well but D securely held my attention & couldn't be happier.

Here's a funny pic of a kitty


courtesy of wordpress.com

She is my Jolene

Your smile is like breathe a spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
I cannot compete with you, Jolene.

I found the evidence of Jolene and I was forced to swallow my words. With explanations so vivid they can only truly exist in a perfect fairy tale. In the world of reality, however, one can take two paths in my position: Veronica's or Alice's. Pandora's box quenched my thirst of curiosity at the mercy of a heartbreak that not even cheesecake can mend. Now, as I sit in my chamber of misery, forcing the strength to fabricate a smile, I cannot help but dance around these unanswered questions. The acceptance of these answers rip apart my rib cage all the while I seem to be more than willing to take the blame for it all. Silly and foolishly assuming to take the place of number one is only rationally accepted in his bed, as I lay there hoping I've done enough. Hoping Jolene's scent will be scalded off of him. Hoping I can recover what I, myself, incautiously pushed away. I have to bare the coldness afterwards while he is out.

You can have your choice of men
But I can never love again
He's the only one for me, Jolene.
I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene.


As I sit here waiting like a dog for its master to arrive home, I can only pray my name was the only center of serenity he felt. Constantly & willingly I leave my heart in his hands and he unknowingly juggles it right before my eyes. I can suddenly envision my heart flirting with death once again. I know when he walks through that door, leaving behind the day's work, I will instinctively want to throw my arms around his tired neck, shoulders, and back. I also know he will take a moment to push me away to get settled. This feeling, like a slap in the face, will remind me he greeted me differently when I was Little Loltia - when I was someone else. Then once again, as if I promised, I will try over and over... again and again. All the worries will be halted once I can feel his arms around my back and his cold lips and cool breath on my neck. Suddenly, I become his - his lapdog, his property, only his. And I will beg for his love or abuse as long as it makes him smile because only when he smiles do I feel his love.




Jolene, I'm begging of you please don't take him.

Pandora's Box

TRUST.

 

Trust [truhst]

confident expectation of something; hope.

What happens when you have no hope? Or if your expectations of something is low? There is no trust?

No. According to dictionary.com, there is no trust.

I have finally opened Pandora's Box even though I repeatedly said I wouldn't. I am slowly finding myself as Brittany Murphy in Little Black Book. Do I regret my decision? Of course I do. My curiosity needs to be satisfied at the expense of my happiness. Despite everything I told myself and everything I have learned in my past I went against my better judgement and peaked into the box and now I can't shut it. Now, all the evil has escaped and is devouring me. However, in a way, I am happy I did. It's a reminder to not get attached. It's little realities like these that slap me awake and reassure me that this isn't real. Right when I begin to think this is truly happiness and everything is rainbows and fucking unicorns I remember the murder scene that is waiting for me at the end of the trip: dead, cold, and a wicked mess. 

Two sides of me exist now and neither of them want to coexist with the other. On one corner the happy Alice stands at 4'11, searching for true love, is optimistic, and is begging for the fairy tale ending. On the total opposite corner we have Veronica standing at 4'11, shameless with her sexcapdes, flaunting her innocent face to trick her victims, and is begging to be abused to return the favor to only leave the ones she plays with lifeless and enraged with a broken heart. Veronica denies Alice of happiness and refuses to let her open up and trust while Alice is more willing to jump into love... or what is disguised as love. The way I see it... Veronica is safer. Although she uses her body and wit to get what she wants at the cost of others she cannot get hurt. Her heart is iced and locked up.

I don't know why these two can't just be one. It's a constant conflict between the two and it's driving me insane. 

Veronica's method of madness:

Use & abuse them. Never let them see your weakness. Once you trust them & admit your attraction you surrender any power you had including your emotions, then they will have the capacity to hurt you... and they will - sooner or later they always will. Use them until you hate them and cut them off like a loose ends. Disappear without explanation. You will NEVER be the only one. There will always be the past and after you. Never assume you are different and never assume you are No. 1 because you never will be. Keep that wall up no matter what.

Alice's deal imagination:
Smile & love. Be affectionate so they will know how much you want them. Trust them when they say, "I love you." Open up & let the walls come down. Express your love & devotion... say I love you when you want to. It is just you, no one else. They will never hurt you because they love you. Work hard things will be accomplished for the better. Never give up. Fall for the sweet nothings they whispers in your ear. Cuddle, hugs, and kisses are best. Smile & laugh. Smile and laugh.

 

courtesy of  http://psychoticturnips.wordpress.com

Smile & laugh while you abuse.

Dirty socks

Seriously, why can't I keep this blog updated?

I have moved to New Brunswick with my brother and could not be happier. This week I have a celebration of Journalism at NJCU. I have to give my speech and I am not prepared. Hopefully I can think of something tomorrow, which will probably not happen because I constantly leave things for last minute. I have learned that I do work well under pressure... even though all this time I thought I couldn't. So, most likely, I'll be doing this either Tuesday night (the event is Wednesday) or Wednesday right before the event.

Gothic Times staff (top to bottom, left to right)
Monir (Deputy Managing Editor), Frank (Arts & Entertainment Editor), Atilla (Lifestyle Editor), Armando (Cartoonist), myself (E.I.C.), Roberto (writer), Vanessa (writer), Edgar (Sports Editor), Rafal (Managing Editor).
I will miss you all. <3

Since I've moved down here, I have made a few connections in hopes I can land a job here. I have enough for rent, but I need to start putting my skills to work... plus... I have a LOT of loans to pay back. I miss being home mostly because of my dogs and dad. My brother is also working on having me drive more so I can get comfortable. I feel like I am still holding on to a security blanket. I'm afraid of being a big girl and being on my own. It's scary to know I only have myself to depend on now. My dad wants to help but I want to stand on my own without his help but I know once he sees me wobble and losing my grip on my knees he will rush over and hold me up. 

Along with meeting power women with job connections, I have met someone new. As great as he is, alas, I am not ready for a girlfriend title again. To protect his innocence, I will not be using his name. I can just nickname him D. I'm sure I'll forget this is his nickname but I will try to keep that in mind. 

Today, I pretty much took it easy. I actually sat down and thought about what I have learned in my last three relationship. 

The Hockey player. 6 months

The Firefighter. 5 years
The Kid. 2 years

The Hockey player: He was athletic. That is what I admired most about him. He was naturally a big, bulky guy. Puerto Rican and Irish. He had the nicest green eyes I have ever seen. They were so bright and stood out so much because of his dark black hair. He had boyish look to him that I knew would turn into a manly face (and I was right). He had a quick sense of humor and was great with jokes. He constantly made me laugh and our personalities clicked. However, we were both young. It was high school. His faithfulness fell short as well. I learned I like a guy who is big, strong, athletic, and funny. He hasn't changed... No, really, he hasn't. He still acts as if he was 16 years old. Can't stand talking to him for over 15 minutes.

The Firefighter. My high school sweetheart, my first love, my first heartbreak. What I admired most about him was the simple fact we grew up together. When most people say that others instantly think "they knew each other since they were toddlers". I was 17 and he was 19 and were together for years. Not many people grasp the reality that teenagers change so much by the time they hit 21 and I was one of them. He knew how to take care of me, taught me how to grow up, how to do things on my own, one of the most intelligent men I've ever met, great work ethics, and made sure he kept in shape as well. Again, his faithfulness always fell short. We haven't spoken since we broke up, but if I had the chance, I would love to just thank him for teaching me and molding me. I think we could have worked out if I was more mature... and if he could have just kept his penis in his pants!

The Kid. I learned nothing. He was a rebound for the former love. We were never in love. He was just simply the mistake that I could ave avoided. It was a total waste of time and effort. However, I did learn I hate lazy people, I hate having to constantly push for the better, hate being number two, and hate dealing with young boys. Boys period.

I like to believe I have learned a lot but after that train wreck I want to feel free. I want/need to be able to do whatever I want, see whoever I want, be intimate with whomever I want. I despise having to answer to someone and lying to the person. Right now, what I really need to do is focus on my career and myself. Once I get my life together I can think about really settling down. Besides, it's only been about two months anyway. We'll both learn soon enough if we really do see ourselves being together. Who knows? He might end up hating my temper and I can hate the way he talks to women.

Long month n-a-half!

After a long, long time of being absent I've decided to just jump back on the horse and continue this sorry excuse for a blog which has no direction. I promise one day it will have some purpose... My career depends on it.

Since January I have received my diploma, lost a "good" friend, raised enough money to move out, went to a journalism convention with my awesome staff, became single, and lost an aunt. So it's been a good and bad time in my life. Starting with the first event. Yes, I am now an official NJCU graduate. It's still in the envelope because I need to buy a frame for it! I felt awesome just holding it in my hands and even better when I got to show my parents. I felt like a five year old again showing my parents a macaroni project I've done. Next thing on the list, I will kill two birds with one stone: I became single and lost a "good" friend (I use that term loosely) due to being dumped and then him quickly rebounding and dating this "good friend" of mine. Period. Next, I have enough money to move out with my brother and I should be covered for three months. However, I still need to find a job which sucks... and is not easy. Thanks to my tax returns and the paper paying me in May.

A few weeks ago I went to a Journalism Convention in NYC with my editors. Needless to say the things that happened in that hotel can not be mentioned, however, we all had fun, even I did, despite my cold and crimson wave. It was pretty sic. I also got to bond with my boys and especially my managing editor. Oh yeah, I also spent an hour, AN HOUR, looking for Chinese food (chicken wings and fries) couldnt find any and had to settle for pizza. -.- Lastly, my aunt passed away who was battling cancer. That topic I rather not get into, but in a nut shell, a lot of things went down.

Most of these events prevented me form blogging at all. I kept thinking about it and felt guilty that I wasn't updating anything. I don't know what I even felt afraid to blog at all.

I can't think of any funny picture I can put up here yet.

I did start running again. Good thing about being single, I can concentrate on myself now, but got no one to show it off too! Poop. Oh well, good things come to those who wait, right?


courtesy of 9gag.com

"I'll spread my wings & learn how to fly."

Today was pretty productive. I went on campus to hold a private meeting with Monir and Rafal and came to a big decision... that will probably turn into a bigger fight, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Spoke to my adviser for some assistance in looking for employment. He referred me to a website to check out job openings. The only problem is I need (would like) to find a job by Princeton, NJ. I wanted to work in New York but my "uumph" isn't as strong as I thought. My main concern is to move out. My personal life WILL suffer if I stay at home and frankly, when I am away from home, I get along better with my mom. My worries are leaving my parents alone and my dogs alone. My parents are 50+ and both work jobs that require manual labor then come home to take care of large dogs, cook, and clean. I guess I am thinking the "American" way and have left some of my Latina background behind. Usually, the girl stays home until she becomes engaged, whereas I, want to move out before ever going into a serious relationship that involves being "tied down".

Anyway, back on topic, I did get a website that I will start looking through tomorrow. I also had the chance to go to the Arts building and check out some information for my news story. It's been a while since I have written for the news section so it has to be good... or else my own managing editor will have my head. What's wrong with this picture o.0? I got some information but still have a while to go. Tomorrow along with looking for an apartment with my brother, I'll be making calls and interviewing who I need to. 

At least I had a good birthday weekend before I have to work. I finally went paintball again and it was great!

I'm the midget in center after the games were done. 

I'll try to blog tomorrow about something of significance!

courtesy of gallery.drfaulken.com

I'm sure if anyone is reading this post, this is the expression they have. That's alright... I do too.

S.O.P.A (not just Spanish for soup!)

January 18, 2012

"Tell Congress: Please don't censor the web!"

courtesy of Google.com

This is what will happen to the web. 

courtesy of Google.com

I remember that song

When the past comes back to haunt you, what do you do?

Everything has been going so well... do you flaunt it?

Yes. Yes, you do.

courtesy of wordpress.com

For anyone ever bullied

Amanda Cummings was 15 years old when she committed suicide by jumping in front of a bus after being tormented constantly by BULLIES. After she passed there her bullies continued to harass her through facebook by mocking her action. No sympathy. No remorse. No justice. I went on Revolver mag's website and saw an update of Shinedown's new song Bully. It instantly reminded me of Rise Against's Make It Stop. Anyone being bullied, especially CHILDREN should watch both videos and listen to the lyrics and always remember, "No one's gonna cry on the very day you die. You're a bully." - Bully, Shinedown


Shinedown - Bully

courtesy of loudwire.com

Rise Against - Make It Stop (September's Children)

courtesy of google.com

25 candles

My birthday is coming up this month on the 28th and I have no idea what I want to do. Some people want me to hold a huge party at a location mostly to dance and drink in, but my brother told me about some paintballing event being held on my actual birthday. I went paintballing last year over summer (along with camping) and it was fun. I lasted a good five minutes but it was still pretty sic. I was terrible. Chance loves it and I believe my brother never went. I am sure I can probably go paintballing but I can rest assure it will be mostly boys celebrating with me than girls since most girls I know aren't big on getting bruises.

On the other hand, I have been wanting to go dancing, what girl doesn't want to? I have to weigh out who will want to go paintballing and who will want to go to a location. I can't find a place that is cheap but still fun to go to. I would love to go to Lana lounge in Hoboken but money is expensive and dress code is required. At least paintballing is easy and it's only from 1pm-4pm.

Decisions, decisions...

courtesy of 9gag.com

HOLY ALLERGIES!

Up yours, allergies, leave me alone.


courtesy of MDjunction.com

Turn the page and wash your hands

Happy New Year!
I spent yesterday mostly at home getting ready to go down south to my brothers. We ended up going to a friend's party. I didn't really get too trashed at all especially since I wasn't feeling too great which lead to my absence from my professor's New Year day party. I was def. bummed for that. I was looking forward to going and meeting his wife and two daughters - esp. the one I feel that I would close to which would be Maddy. I'm trying to think what I can do to make it up and meet them.

I'm so tired and I can't wait to get started on the articles. This week I find out if I pass everything and see if I graduate. If I do, I can concentrate on the paper and even more on finding a part time job. It would be pretty rad if I can find a job down south asap. I want to live with my brother for at least two years and maybe move back north to live with Chance. I would love to write in NY, but I want to try some place far from North Jersey and the NY area and find something different on my own somewhere random... that pays decent!

Here's hoping!