She is my Jolene

Your smile is like breathe a spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
I cannot compete with you, Jolene.

I found the evidence of Jolene and I was forced to swallow my words. With explanations so vivid they can only truly exist in a perfect fairy tale. In the world of reality, however, one can take two paths in my position: Veronica's or Alice's. Pandora's box quenched my thirst of curiosity at the mercy of a heartbreak that not even cheesecake can mend. Now, as I sit in my chamber of misery, forcing the strength to fabricate a smile, I cannot help but dance around these unanswered questions. The acceptance of these answers rip apart my rib cage all the while I seem to be more than willing to take the blame for it all. Silly and foolishly assuming to take the place of number one is only rationally accepted in his bed, as I lay there hoping I've done enough. Hoping Jolene's scent will be scalded off of him. Hoping I can recover what I, myself, incautiously pushed away. I have to bare the coldness afterwards while he is out.

You can have your choice of men
But I can never love again
He's the only one for me, Jolene.
I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene.


As I sit here waiting like a dog for its master to arrive home, I can only pray my name was the only center of serenity he felt. Constantly & willingly I leave my heart in his hands and he unknowingly juggles it right before my eyes. I can suddenly envision my heart flirting with death once again. I know when he walks through that door, leaving behind the day's work, I will instinctively want to throw my arms around his tired neck, shoulders, and back. I also know he will take a moment to push me away to get settled. This feeling, like a slap in the face, will remind me he greeted me differently when I was Little Loltia - when I was someone else. Then once again, as if I promised, I will try over and over... again and again. All the worries will be halted once I can feel his arms around my back and his cold lips and cool breath on my neck. Suddenly, I become his - his lapdog, his property, only his. And I will beg for his love or abuse as long as it makes him smile because only when he smiles do I feel his love.




Jolene, I'm begging of you please don't take him.

Pandora's Box

TRUST.

 

Trust [truhst]

confident expectation of something; hope.

What happens when you have no hope? Or if your expectations of something is low? There is no trust?

No. According to dictionary.com, there is no trust.

I have finally opened Pandora's Box even though I repeatedly said I wouldn't. I am slowly finding myself as Brittany Murphy in Little Black Book. Do I regret my decision? Of course I do. My curiosity needs to be satisfied at the expense of my happiness. Despite everything I told myself and everything I have learned in my past I went against my better judgement and peaked into the box and now I can't shut it. Now, all the evil has escaped and is devouring me. However, in a way, I am happy I did. It's a reminder to not get attached. It's little realities like these that slap me awake and reassure me that this isn't real. Right when I begin to think this is truly happiness and everything is rainbows and fucking unicorns I remember the murder scene that is waiting for me at the end of the trip: dead, cold, and a wicked mess. 

Two sides of me exist now and neither of them want to coexist with the other. On one corner the happy Alice stands at 4'11, searching for true love, is optimistic, and is begging for the fairy tale ending. On the total opposite corner we have Veronica standing at 4'11, shameless with her sexcapdes, flaunting her innocent face to trick her victims, and is begging to be abused to return the favor to only leave the ones she plays with lifeless and enraged with a broken heart. Veronica denies Alice of happiness and refuses to let her open up and trust while Alice is more willing to jump into love... or what is disguised as love. The way I see it... Veronica is safer. Although she uses her body and wit to get what she wants at the cost of others she cannot get hurt. Her heart is iced and locked up.

I don't know why these two can't just be one. It's a constant conflict between the two and it's driving me insane. 

Veronica's method of madness:

Use & abuse them. Never let them see your weakness. Once you trust them & admit your attraction you surrender any power you had including your emotions, then they will have the capacity to hurt you... and they will - sooner or later they always will. Use them until you hate them and cut them off like a loose ends. Disappear without explanation. You will NEVER be the only one. There will always be the past and after you. Never assume you are different and never assume you are No. 1 because you never will be. Keep that wall up no matter what.

Alice's deal imagination:
Smile & love. Be affectionate so they will know how much you want them. Trust them when they say, "I love you." Open up & let the walls come down. Express your love & devotion... say I love you when you want to. It is just you, no one else. They will never hurt you because they love you. Work hard things will be accomplished for the better. Never give up. Fall for the sweet nothings they whispers in your ear. Cuddle, hugs, and kisses are best. Smile & laugh. Smile and laugh.

 

courtesy of  http://psychoticturnips.wordpress.com

Smile & laugh while you abuse.