I spoke too soon

I'm beginning to think my professor made a mistake by assigning me as EIC. I'm also beginning to lose any confidence - what I had left anyway - I had to take charge. There is one girl I refuse to give any big stories to because she didn't even know who our Vice President of our country. People call her an airhead because she doesn't show any interest in anything but fashion. I don't think I am far from that either, now. Fashion isn't my forte either, I always thought it was writing. Lord know I can't mix and match. That's not the point - the point is: maybe I am just another air head holding a facade. What caused this emotion to rise up? Tonight's class... or rather, the people in it: last year's EIC.

Last year EIC consisted of two men. They are worldly, highly intelligent, super into politics and pretty much everything else. I looked up to them and even, intimidated by them. I always wanted to be up to their level and by this age, I thought I could have been. My knowledge about the world has not changed and I feel like I have failed and wasted all this money on school for nothing. I still feel like a little girl wearing big shoes that don't fit and a dress way too long for me. I'm trying to be an adult that I cannot seem to get in touch with. This is the second time I have class this month and I dread it now. This is supposed to be my favorite and most challenging class because it's pretty much a big review of everything I have learned thus far and put it to work. Basically, everything I have studied and worked for needs to show in this class by December. I dread this class because I feel like I will be a failure to the newspaper because I am not as smart as they are, I don't watch/read the news as much as I should, I enjoy watching the Jersey Shore, I allow my managing editor to come up with news while I just "OK" everything. I feel like I should be the one saying, "how about this for a feature story," "how about this for news," "hey, did you hear what the governor signed off on." Every time he gets into a deep convo or debate, I have to sit it out because I'm that idiot girl who doesn't know what is going on in the world, despite everything my super awesome professor has taught me. 

courtesy of icanhascheezburger.com

That is as pathetic I can make myself seem right now. I hate hugs, but right now, one would actually help. What kept me from telling Chance what was wrong with me was the fact I was holding back from bursting into tears. The moment I would have told him what was wrong I wouldn't have been able to stop crying. If anyone knows me, they know I hate to show emotion in public, even if it is one person. I just feel like a loser and I don't know how to not feel like this. I try not to care about what people think of me, but I think my managing editor feels like I am useless and he should have been editor because he comes up with most stories and I just assign dates and 'yes/no' ideas and people. I wish they would just tell me what I am doing wrong so I can fix it or try harder. At this point my only accomplishment was making the newspaper available, not only on the first week, but the first day of class. Other than that, I don't feel special or powerful or anything. Hopefully I can get out of this slump soon... I hate this feeling.

blah!

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