Epic FAiL

Okay, so maybe it's not a huge fail but it's still failure none the less. About a month ago I got a call back from a interview I had back in September. The job sounded wicked awesome, nothing that had to do with my degree though, however, I figured, "Hey, it's income & great experience."

I waited three months and I get the call to come in. I was tested for two weeks and it was probably the worst decision I made. The only good thing that came from it was that I did get some cash out of it. Any confidence I had was shaken & torn apart. I started to question my own qualifications & even started to double guess myself during the most simple tasks such as faxing or printing things. The job was not for me. The only time I actually felt confident was when she actually had me edit a newsletter, other than that, I felt beaten down & stripped of all my skills. Basically, as if I was not smart enough to do a job that was (in some ways) beneath what I received my degree in. Also, being questioned how I graduated college with a shitty amount of knowledge of math, didn't help.

It didn't work out. She asked me what was up and we both agreed that I was not the one for the job. I didn't feel like it was the right choice for me if I was constantly second guessing myself. She needed someone who can stay on top of things & it wasn't my area. I'm a writer but I am also an editor - not college student needing money. In short, it wasn't worth it.

It was a punch to the confidence but I am trying to shake it off. I don't have time to bullshit and derp around, I NEED income so I am now searching for whatever I can find again. 

Sigh, this is so frustrating.

Smart phone addiction

So late last week my smart phone (Motorola Android 3) finally died. I had to resort to my old "smart" phone, which may as well be a basic phone. After so many hours grieving over my electronic loss, it dawned on me: I have depended on my smart phone for everything. I've become lazy with using my laptop, looking at my bank statements, even tracking my monthly curse. How many zombies have lessen their intelligence for the sake of an easy lifestyle? Even thinking is mind numbing!


courtesy of memegenerator.net

The pro about having my old phone now is I can just use it for texting. Any information I can actually use my computer for... which I have been neglecting... along with this blog... A THOUSAND PARDONS! Going off my smart phone feels like I am going through an addiction withdraw. I will be getting a new smart phone soon... hopefully. This actually gave me the push to get warranty on my laptop. So, this morning I spent about $180.00 for protection. It better be worth it as well. It covers my dear computer for a year.

Go home, Hurricane Sandy, you're drunk!

courtesy of blaugoo.com

Hurricane Sandy to hit NJ

First Irene and now Sandy is here. When Spongebob begged Sandy for water, I don't think this is what he meant! Connecticut, New York, and New Jersey are in a State of Emergency and people are flipping out. Some people were not taking Irene too seriously but this time, people are listening to the news. I was scared for Irene so I was trying not to listen to the news about the storm this year, however, I went to my parents house and all they have on are the news. The real flooding is going to hit us tonight around 8/9pm. I'm praying my parent's house will be okay. We never get flooding since we are on a hill *knock on wood* but loss of power is a possibility this time. Plus, we are in front of a park so the trees also cause a problem. 

We received a letter in the mail this morning about evacuations. It all sounded good until I read the pet part. It states, "If you have to evacuate, please take your pets with you. Please keep in mind that all of the public shelters require your pet to have a proper carrier or cage for use inside the facility. Shelters will not be able to accept any pets without the proper apparatus," - Lyndhurst Police Department. So, if, God forbid, we have to evacuate, my dogs are screwed. My dogs are way too large and are bigger than me (I am only 4'11). The most we have are muzzles and leashes. I will not be leaving my dogs behind! 

courtesy of abclocal.go.com

This is the Long Beach Island. D took me there this summer for a day.

courtesy of abclocal.go.com

Not sure where this is but it's in the East Coast.

Dad went to get some food from ShopRite but he did mention it was basically empty. Thankfully he got the stuff we did need. Thank you ShopRite workers in Lyndhurst for being troopers! Hopefully they get to go home soon so they can prepare... or at least get paid over time... something to be compensated for helping others out! I'm def going to leave my phone charging along with my mom's laptop. Hopefully things will be okay.

Stay safe everyone!

I shouldn't have gotten out of bed

I can't catch a break. Thanks NJCU! You guys really know how to help a college grad out. 

So, I caved & applied for unemployment. I battled long & hard about this. I didn't want to give in but I have no choice. I applied in hopes I can receive at least a quarter of what I need for at least rent. It is not. Then again, maybe NJCU can pull through & help me out. Those chances are slim. They never help. H.R. department shooed me away, Payroll department kept cutting me off. Seriously, NO HELP. It seems as though I may be receiving a little less than $100.00 which isn't anything at all & will barely cover rent, let alone utilities... not to mention my loans! I should have just stayed in bed.

courtesy to weheartit.com

I think I will be moving back home with the parents.

:( 

sad day.

The search continues

Endless application after the next, rejection seems endless! Even wanted ads for gogo dancers need experience. Soon pimps aren't going to hire just any prostitutes. They are going to require references, resumes, and a free demonstration. Times are hard, even pimps need to make a living. One of my friends suggested me to apply to this newspaper - I declined. Not just because it's in north jersey but b/c it is far... okay, maybe it has to do with the fact my arch nemesis is the editor to it as well. So, sue me. Hey, I rather carry my dignity than to ever go crawling to her for help. She helped herself enough when she decided to be sneaky and move on to my left overs which were still warm.


courtesy to hoboken411.com

Meow.

For the sake of not having this sound like teenage problems, I'll move on.

My father had even jumped in the pool of trying to find me a job. Which is great b/c I only have a couple of months (month and a half) before I run out of money & move back home with the parents. Every college grad's worst fear. I refuse to give in - that is until I really run out of money. Donations, anyone? Anyone? I'll make it worth your while! :D I'm lying. I've been applying to places in New Brunswick along with New York, and Newark. If anyone can hack into my e-mail, they would only see a bunch of outgoing applications dating 4 months back. I have an exciting life. Of course along with those e-mails, a lot of notices form my credit card that I need to pay asap before they take my dog as collateral.

Seriously, people. If the economy is so bad, STOP POSTING WANTED ADS! Giving us hope & then snatching it away is not cool. Plus, it puts a downer in our self esteem & worth!


courtesy to gabrielweinberg.com

Greetings from "real world"

So summer has come & gone & so has my blog. I have totally been A.W.O.L. all summer and that is such a no-no. Now can you see why it's frustrating for me to have a blog in the first place? Seriously, I need to watch MTV's Awkward to be inspired to blog more often. Pretty sad/pathetic, I know. Anyway, let's see what I can catch up on...

Life after NJCU & the Gothic Times has not been so sweet. I can't count how many job applications and positions I have applied for -not all Journalism positions, btw. I have been applying for journalism jobs and receptionist positions. Could you imagine I can't even land a receptionist job? All the applying and rejections constantly make me feel like bashing my head threw a wall over & over again. I always knew finding a job after school was going to be a challenge, I just wasn't prepared for this much trouble. Interview after interview & the only thing I have learned was to lie, make your weaknesses your awesomeness, and that I hate phone interviews. I really hate phone interviews. They are such an attack & not to mention absolutely ruthless and cutthroat. After countless rejections I still have to keep my hopes up and march forward in hopes someone will take pity of a college grad living on her own (well, with her brother) with very little money left in her savings and finally offer me a job that pays at least $11/hr.

Here's hoping!

The department of 'D' isn't bad. In fact, everything has been great. No complaints. It is safe to say I am seeing his flaws now more than before. So far, it's worth it. In this relationship I feel like a 13 year old. I'm not sure what to expect or how to act. I feel as though at this point of my life I should be working & living with someone, however neither of those things are happening. I think it would make more sense if I knew D for more time than a few months.... about 6/7 months to be exact... I think. I was never one to be good at math. I don't see moving in with him in my future yet. It would be nice & I think we could make it but I need a job and a secure promise from him...

I didn't do much this summer due to lack of fond but I did have summer fun. I met a few new people & rekindled old friendships. I also met some people I just cannot wait to leave behind and never speak to again. I also met people that I would have loved to have dated as well but D securely held my attention & couldn't be happier.

Here's a funny pic of a kitty


courtesy of wordpress.com

She is my Jolene

Your smile is like breathe a spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
I cannot compete with you, Jolene.

I found the evidence of Jolene and I was forced to swallow my words. With explanations so vivid they can only truly exist in a perfect fairy tale. In the world of reality, however, one can take two paths in my position: Veronica's or Alice's. Pandora's box quenched my thirst of curiosity at the mercy of a heartbreak that not even cheesecake can mend. Now, as I sit in my chamber of misery, forcing the strength to fabricate a smile, I cannot help but dance around these unanswered questions. The acceptance of these answers rip apart my rib cage all the while I seem to be more than willing to take the blame for it all. Silly and foolishly assuming to take the place of number one is only rationally accepted in his bed, as I lay there hoping I've done enough. Hoping Jolene's scent will be scalded off of him. Hoping I can recover what I, myself, incautiously pushed away. I have to bare the coldness afterwards while he is out.

You can have your choice of men
But I can never love again
He's the only one for me, Jolene.
I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene.


As I sit here waiting like a dog for its master to arrive home, I can only pray my name was the only center of serenity he felt. Constantly & willingly I leave my heart in his hands and he unknowingly juggles it right before my eyes. I can suddenly envision my heart flirting with death once again. I know when he walks through that door, leaving behind the day's work, I will instinctively want to throw my arms around his tired neck, shoulders, and back. I also know he will take a moment to push me away to get settled. This feeling, like a slap in the face, will remind me he greeted me differently when I was Little Loltia - when I was someone else. Then once again, as if I promised, I will try over and over... again and again. All the worries will be halted once I can feel his arms around my back and his cold lips and cool breath on my neck. Suddenly, I become his - his lapdog, his property, only his. And I will beg for his love or abuse as long as it makes him smile because only when he smiles do I feel his love.




Jolene, I'm begging of you please don't take him.